Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
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*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Eat…
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.