My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
You Might Also Like
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
How it started: How it’s going:
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.