If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
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[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”