Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
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The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.