The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
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ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
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