The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
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All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
the greatest twitter interaction
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
I triple waxed for this?
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.