Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
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GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Ha
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.