Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
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Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
I like long walks away from everyone
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
馃ぃ馃ぃ
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I鈥檝e somehow never heard of
fourth time鈥檚 the charm
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it鈥檚 a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
911 what鈥檚 your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It鈥檚 attached to her gun
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY