Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
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I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…