“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
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Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.