store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
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Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.