I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
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Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch: