Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
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I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
secret recipe
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog