GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
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[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*