Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
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If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.