Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
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[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.