I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
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Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.