bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
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ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.