#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
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Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
When your parents check you’re ok.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Ooh I do like a good funnel
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*