Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
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My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
Aaaa…CHOO!
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?