My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
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No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
🙋♀️
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
peeping toms
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?