On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
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What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
There is no “we” in chocolate.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
pelicons
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.