Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
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A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.