me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
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becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.