You saw nothing. I am ham.
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turn that frown upside down
):
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
where do you see yourself in five years?