Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
You Might Also Like
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
My biological clock is wheezing.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.