My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
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Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation