My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
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this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
True?
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news