I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
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AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
black phone good
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.