I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
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Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”