I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
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[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Did my cat write this
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.