Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
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Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles