My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
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I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me