Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
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how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.