Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
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Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
s
oc
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[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
We all have our pet causes.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm