I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
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Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
buying dead houseplants to save time
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.