Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
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BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.