I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
You Might Also Like
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Thinking about Jeff
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.