I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
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TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
all that yoga finally paid off
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Still cracks me up
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
quarantine day 3
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
[canadians at you, canadianly]