Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
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I support this random dude and all his protests
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
the chicken was already gone when I got here
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
dam girl
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*