Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
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Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.