May never get over this
You Might Also Like
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.