*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
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I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.