Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
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friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.