DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
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The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
time machine? you mean a clock?
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
What fresh Hell is this?!?
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol