If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
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I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
TEETH IS INNOCENT
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.