When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
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Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Strange
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
What personal space?
My dog
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
My beach vacation Google searches
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally