My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
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Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Saturday
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”