Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
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Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you