Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
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Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.